October 8, 2018

Indian Summer

This is what we have left


Whether by design or out of simple necessity, humans forget a lot. Not just where we last left our keys or a friend's birthday, but bigger things. Like how a few days of a sleepy Indian summer can trick us into keeping our sweaters packed away, forgetting the true chill of fall is right at our doorstep. How one argument with someone can make you forget how much you truly do love them, or vice versa, how one breath-stealing moment with someone can make you forget how miserable they've made you.

"There'd always be more life to live, more summers to come, more love to give and take."

I've been caught in a state of remembering and forgetting things. Trying to decide what memories are worth holding onto, and which memories I should let fall away. The things we have, we won't always have, and I forget that. It's easier to keep on moving through life without certain memories hitched to you, but the truth is when you forget everything, you lose the good right on with the bad. I've never minded this because I always knew I could create more memories. There'd always be more life to live, more summers to come, more love to give and take. 

But this thinking, while not technically wrong, I think, has made me ungrateful. When you assume there will always be more of something — friendship, money, days of summer — you don't regard what you have in the present with as much reverence as it deserves. And this is why I've been digging through my memories. I don't want anything back, but I do want to practice gratefulness for what I've experienced. Life has kept me moving and going and achieving, just knowing there'll be more of everything to come. The only thing is I don't know when and I don't know how, and this banking on the future has left me diminishing my past. 

I won't get any summer days back, but flirting with the few warm days between it and fall gave me a chance to mourn them, but also to be grateful for them. Now I can unpack my sweaters.

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