May 11, 2018

LOVE WEEK: The Sex Talk

Okay, we're doing this, y'all


Alright, no pussyfooting around—I'm talking about sex. Specifically why it's been shelved until further notice. Our foremothers fought for us to be loud-mouthed, free-thinking, sexually-liberated women, and for that, I am eternally grateful. Sex has had an interesting trajectory in my life: it started off as just a normal part of my 5-year-relationship. Then, in the age of Tinder and after moving to a new city, it turned into a way to grow and find freedom after that relationship ended.

"In exchange for time, attention, decent company, affection, and a general level of care akin to what one would find in a relationship, there was sex.

Here's where it turned into an unfamiliar source of anxiety. Sex in loving relationships? Super great. Casual sex out of relationships? Totally awesome. Sex in that unsure, in-between territory? The absolute worst, and I've found myself here a few more times than I'd like to admit. In this annoying situationship place, sex became something to barter. In exchange for time, attention, decent company, affection, and a general level of care akin to what one would find in a relationship, there was sex. But you know what there never was? An actual relationship. 

When I realized that this was what I was doing, I wanted to slap myself. Had I really become the girl who thought that sex would equal a relationship if you liked each other enough? Let me tell you this: someone can "like" you all they want. They can answer your text messages back more frequently than the other people you're flirting with. Hell, they can even tag you in funny memes so you know they're thinking of you in some small way. But if they do not want a relationship—and listen to me good now—they do not want a relationship. Full stop.

After that beautiful wake up call, I decided I didn't want to have sex for a while. Then, my desire for human contact came back with a vengeance and I decided it was best to have someone around for sex and nothing more. I did not want to know bands he liked, what the last thing to make him cry was, or what his childhood was like. I just wanted to know if he'd be there at 11 PM when I texted. This worked for a bit, but I soon accepted that I just didn't like using people, even if to some degree they were using me too.

So with much deliberation and after asking all of my most trusted ladyfriends, I decided to temporarily close the door on sex and open the door to other options—a good old fashioned, super cute, super tiny and very pink vibrator. If I'm being honest, I'm still a little shocked that I even have one in my possession, but I try not to think of myself as "the girl with the sex toy" (though there is nothing wrong with that—no sex shaming on my watch). I see myself as more of a person who just doesn't want to muddy her life by using people for sex, or worse, using sex in the hopes of getting close to someone.

Who knew it would all be this difficult? They didn't teach me this shit in health and sex-ed, that's for sure. Since it helped me to talk to my friends and listen to sex health experts, I'm going to drop some of my favorite sources for you guys and gals wanting to know a bit more.

Sexy Time Sources for My Girls 

Nox Shop, lifestyle boutique for your sex life — use code LOVELULU for 10% off

Shan Boodram, sexologist, author

Ev'Yan Whitney, sexuality doula, sex educator 

We Will Teach Our Daughters About the Sacredness of Female Sexuality,  Cat Lantigua's latest piece


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